I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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