You smell like stripper and shame
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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