Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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