i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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