You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I need to calm my uterus...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
