If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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