He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
