She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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