I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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