Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
