Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
