I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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