If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
