I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
