I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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