i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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