My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
