you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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