My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
its not stalking. its research.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
