The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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