in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
