i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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