capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
