If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
