So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
