I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
