The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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