a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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