Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
