Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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