I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
