You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
