I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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