Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
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She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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