Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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