New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
