I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
