good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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