you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
