Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
