Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You took a bar mat shot.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
