I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
