i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
