I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
