if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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