I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
