Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
