We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
