i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hippo gnu deer
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
