If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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