I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
